For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (ESV)

"You know me," David begins this psalm, speaking a truth deeper than he has sufficient words for. He is humble, resting in a quiet joy, in awe of the completeness of God’s knowledge. In reading this psalm, we enter a written prayer, inspired and preserved by the Holy Spirit for our benefit and to God’s glory. As vessels of this same spirit, we can participate in this prayer. We can allow the words, the truth, to guide our thoughts, aligning our hearts as we listen to David earnestly opening his mind and heart to God. "You're always with me. You surround me," David continues, marveling in the truth, opening his heart on every side to the intimacy and reality of God's presence. Then David, having written the truths thus far, steeping his mind in them and taking joy in them, is struck with a new thought.

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"God, you made me. You made me masterfully." He writes with grateful wonder of the way he was crafted, without ego, with no self-pride or self-pity. Reading this passage, I find myself wishing I had a mindset this secure and purified in God’s truth that I could speak so confidently and comfortably about my own body. David has something I want; he feels the words in a way I do not. He says that his soul knows very well that he is wonderfully made. He prays this so sincerely that I suspect I must be missing something in my own prayers. I know that God made me, I know that what God makes is good, but I find so many times that what my head knows to be true, my heart seems to deny me. Unlike this psalm, my prayer is often, “Help me Lord, I don't feel it. I don't feel wonderfully made.” The difference between me and David is the object of our faith, and the degree to which we surrender to a higher knowledge.

There have been many moments when I have questioned my Maker, and I suspect I'm not unique in this. I remember a moment during my awkward puberty years when I did not feel well-made by God. It happened while coming across a “have-the-sex-talk-with-your-kids" book that declared I was in fact wonderfully made. Instead, I felt misshapen, tarnished. It presented a vision of my new sexuality that I fell dismally short of, and, listening to my shame, I believed that I was broken beyond repair. I remember a moment at a men's event a few years later when the version of masculinity I saw surrounding me felt inexplicably foreign, and, listening to my insecurity and self-perspective, I concluded I was made with something missing inside. There were many other moments throughout my life that contributed to my doubt of God’s good design. In youth group being ignored or rejected by girls, in college feeling ignored and alone in a crowd of people, or finding myself in a friend group of artistic young women where I finally felt like I could relate and belong - in all these times I listened to my own pain, shame, self-pity or incomplete self-image, leading me to question God’s design.

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It wasn't until I went through a deep depression a few years ago that I began to listen to a new voice. Stuck in a job that used precisely zero of the gifts, talents, or interests I felt I had to offer, I spiraled in the darkness of my own understanding. All my life-long questions to God reached a bitter peak as I withered in my rage at his poor design and plan for my life. At last, my heart was fully open and honest to my Maker. I was finally receptive, desperate for anything to help, even if it ran directly counter to my plans and feelings. Reading the Bible, I found over and over that God would bend over backward for the desperate, not because they had at last achieved some heightened level of emotion, but because they were ready to listen and eager to submit to a higher omniscient power.

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Consider, what higher power, what more complete knowledge exists than what we read about in this psalm? What voice is more worth listening to? What source of knowledge are you going to rely on to define you? Proverbs 1:7 states, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,” and Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Again, the difference between me and David is that, through the power of the Holy Spirt, he completely trusted God. He discarded his claim on his own understanding, submitting his mind and heart to his loving heavenly Father.

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Dear brothers and sisters, as vessels of this same Spirit, we can join in this prayer and be empowered to trust our good Father who makes good things. Whether you are desperate or hopeful, lean into God’s perfect knowledge. Joyfully surrender your knowledge of self and agenda, discard it completely, like a baby drops a toy to reach out for Daddy.

God, you know us, you are with us, and you made us. Thank you for your presence and perfect knowledge. Thank you for lovingly making us, carefully crafting us exactly according to your good plans. Help us to lean into this knowledge of ourselves, empower us to entrust our hearts more each moment to you. Amen.